BILLIE EILISH IS FAKE - OR I THOUGHT SO (****)

A middle-aged family father, Max Noble, listens to Billie Eilish for the first time and he is full of prejudices he wants to get confirmed. It is like having a teenage daughter in the same room and we share the same Bellyache. Not good. And so beautiful. I want to put her in my pocket and protect her from the bad world, and yet show her the world in it’s all glorious beauty. Not all is so bad or depressive after all! Conflicted is not a word enough to describe my emotions towards her.

I don’t know who Billie Eilish is, yet I have developed a dislike for her. I open Spotify and search Billie Eilish. I don’t know who chooses the artist avatars, but my dislike towards her only becomes bigger. I had read an article about her how she should be the millennial’s Kurt Cobain and that is enough for me to shivers. So angst, so bad, so stupid. Her avatar has the same grunge colors as I remember Nirvana having in all of its material. Brown. There is no other color I dislike more than brown. Shit and Nirvana are the same to me, Nirvana just yells more and makes me crazy when my wife sings it all the time: “Come as you are…” Maybe Kurt Cobain needed to die because he couldn’t make his life any more miserable. That sounds rude. I have some respect for him, as Kurt Cobain was original. The real angst and misery. Billie Eilish is just a daughter of actors who have mastered to fake the mood of the teens. She is from L.A. as far I know and that makes me suspicious per definition.

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Why is her mouth open in her Spotify avatar like she was going to have oral sex? Is it yet another reference to American Beauty? Blond girl, tired of her suburban life, add random sex act… So let’s push the big “SHUFFLE PLAY” button and hear what Billie can. “Bellyache”. The name of the song already is so fake. I read it like it was French, but then I realize it is just Belly Ache. How banal! I really don’t want to listen to a teen girl’s stomach ache. The bass and the ugly twists in the song make me have a Belly Ache. "But now I got a belly ache”, the song is over and yes, I have a belly ache.


The second song starts. “bitches broken hearts” rolls over my iPhone X screen and I wonder, why is it so hard to write “Bitches Broken Hearts”. It has a surprising beautiful piano sequence that makes me actually listen for a moment. Too short. The title is like trying to be provocative, in a stupid way. If you want to provoke, do it at least in a smart way.

8, is the name of the next shuffle. It starts very cautiously with a young girl singing, very close to the microphone. Billie joins the song and it feels like they were singing quietly just next to me. Very comforting and oddly sweet. She sounds so fragile, someone I need to protect. I start to like her. “So, I think I got to go…” Don’t leave now, I am thinking. And the song stops abruptly. She is away.

A new song starts. She sounds like she is from fairyland. Beautiful and fragile. Magical. A male voice starts to sing along. I want him away. I want Billie for myself. “I love you..” I believe her. She is authentic. I love the pauses in “i love you”. It is a fairytale and I fly with her over meadows into a magical forest. I am in love.

What is it with these lazy titles! It is Goodbye and not "goodbye"! Why do you need to provoke me with this nonsense? Well, that’s it. Goodbye! Billie Eilish is not fake. She is not just an actors daughter. Nor she is nothing like Kurt Cobain. She is something new. Something very sweet, yet disgusting and dare I say, authentic. I stand defeated. She is good. Not bad.

I give Billie Eilish **** stars out of five.

Listen to: “i love you” to dream into musky world of candle lights, cheap wine and “8” for it's fragile authencity.

Max Noble